"So.. I've been dating someone for a bit now.

Initially I thought she was quite ridiculous - someone who can talk nonsense about anything and make light of any situation. I considered her quite a "full of cock" person and found her quite beng-ish. In front of her friends she's all dominant and like "THE man".. for lack of a better descriptive term.

With me, she's like this big baby. Loves to "deh".. likes surprises, and for me to give her back rubs, denies vehemently when I say she is deh, even refusing to let me look at her when she cries..

I guess what i'm trying to say is.. I think i'm in love with this girl of mine. I never thought that I would fall for someone like you.. but yes. all of you, as you are."

"What does loving someone mean?

It means remembering their wholeness when they appear to be broken,. It means remembering their beauty when they appear to be ugly. It means remembering their innocence when they appear to be guilty.

To love someone is to appreciate someone for whom they really are, no matter who it is that they currently appear to be."

- Teal Scott

for the last and final time... good bye, E.


reading through how I was all ready to give up. the earlier occasions, it is no wonder this time, I just feel numb instead.


I thought our trip to US would change things. in fact I think it did a little, I thought it made me understand you better. I thought you understood me better. I thought we could work out our differences and move forward together.


I thought, I thought, I thought...


it all came crashing down when we got back, and the people whom you call friends surround you again. then again, I can't blame them, because all these choices are the choices you make. consciously. Especially the one last straw, when you lied again and again, and shouted at me when I confronted you about it. you said that you don't want to live this way... well. I didn't need further convincing.


I'm tired sweetheart. have been for a while.


I held on in the hopes... always in hope that it would get better for us.


you were so sweet for a while, on the 9th month itself. but all those were short lived.


I'm trying to understand the anger too. on why you have to keep lying, for making the choice of keeping her around despite claiming she is not who you want in your life.. etc. but actions speak louder than words. whatever will be, will be, love. I'm letting go.


This time, it's in stone.


I've flipped through our pictures countless times.. our texts. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to do. convince myself that enough is enough? or reminisce our moments.. just one more time...


love is not about possession. may you find someone whom you love and whom loves you even more. I'm sorry I'm not the right one for you. for a moment, I thought I was. thank you for showing me a part of your life that made me realise the real you. the genuine, bubbling over, ever ernest one. not the one who becomes another person when in front of certain friends, as if its the turn on of a switch. when in US, you were this confident person comfortable with yourself and you have people who love you surrounding you. May you always be surrounded by people like that, and not people who would take advantage of you like those over here. Thank you for showing me what kind of life I want, and although there is no longer us in the future, you gave me the push to be better, to do good in what I have to do. thank you for showing me so much more, for pushing me to my limits. truth is, and something I said to you some time ago; we don't go too far from who we are.


Stay the same hon. I loved you. always have... and I will for a while more.


Take good care of yourself. your health. get to the dentist and get your scan soon. just so you'll have a peace of mind. Eat healthily. I don't know what else to say because these are all things I've already told you before. just that you never listened. try to sleep earlier. smoke less. eat your meals at proper timings. stop chasing the things and people that hurt you. Open your eyes and see who are the people that are true to you. those without agenda and those who do not gossip behind your back.


I cant even bring myself to hate you. you were so much to me. I just wasn't enough for you. you just didn't love me enough. I know it. Whether it was companionship for you.. or whether it was real.. I hope I made you happy. at least for a little while. you just don't know how happy you made me.


one last cry for you, love. 28092013 - 29062014:




May you one day hear my voice
and realise I'm speaking to you and only you.


Try to understand this:
You'll always be to me
What I'll never be to you.

The elephant’s trunkis for picking up pistachios:
no need to bend over.
The giraffe’s neck
is for grazing on stars:
no need to fly.
The chameleon’s skin,
green, blue, lavender, white,
as it wishes,
is for hiding from ravenous animals:
no need to flee.
The turtle’s shell,
is for sleeping inside,
even in winter:
no need for a house.
The poet’s poem,
is for saying all of that
and a thousand thousand thousand other things:
no need to understand.

-Alain Bosquet; No Need

again.

we made up, we tried to make it work.

but there comes a point where I have no choice but to acknowledge that this isn't working.

where your lies are getting so much, where your temper is getting more and more explosive, where I don't feel loved anymore.

I feel blamed for every single thing that goes wrong; fear, even.

that you seem apparently more attracted and giving to your ex.

am I just a companion whose opinion does not matter?

09/03/2014 - the day I realised it's time I have to let go. it's no longer a matter of choice. its what I have to do for myself.

10/03/2014 - you texted me in the morning as usual. I just said, take care.
you texted, you called, but what else is there to be said?

you know what.. you are so so special to me. even if you never ever see it. even if you don't agree.

i'm letting you go love. and I hope that someday somehow, you will find true happiness. in someone that loves you so so much as you wish to be loved. and please, make the person feel loved too.

my best to you always.

I still miss you.. always will.

28092013 - 18012014


I have to let you go.


You passed my stuff to the recep today as well, a sort of finality, for both of us.


I miss you, always have, always will.

28/09/2013.

When I first met you and everything happened.

Nearing two months on, I'm wearing out.

You made me the happiest I've ever been but you also made me really upset. I cant even begin to describe how happy you made me. How, deliriously happy. How familiar and comforting, yet the knowledge that it wouldn't last.

Something suddenly changed over night. On sat night you didn't want to stay over, saying your mom would ask. But honestly, I don't think it was that. Something changed.. maybe because you knew we couldn't sleep tgt due to my injuries or sth. I'm not sure. Then sunday when I texted you you were just cold. Whatever the reasons, I don't think it matters now. I know you'll be fine in no time. Maybe I was just a distraction for you, something for you to while your time away while you were getting over your ex gf. You also told me you were dating a number of people before you met me.. so maybe that is your nature.

Whatever it is, it no longer matters.

Know that you made me really happy. Whatever happens, I wish you all the best always, and may you find someone whom would make you feel loved, and love you as you are.

I'm letting go.

I suddenly remembered what I wished for on my 23rd birthday. That you'ld stay in my life. and then you had to reappear on my 25th. but truth is, I don't think you ever left. I missed you all the while. I constantly thought of you, just that I didn't act on it. I shouldn't have and I didn't because I was with someone else.

What happened?

I don't think I ever got over you.

I'm not the fighting kind. Never was, never will be. I told you I like you, but I don't want to fall for you. Truth is, I already did.

But I don't want to hinder you. You deserve your space and the life that you know. Maybe my presence is truly just for here and now.

I wish for someone who would love you, complement you, and bring out the best in you.