i'm actually.. anticipating work and half hoping tmr isnt a weekend :O
looking forward :)

lets cut the long story short. i'm not gonna deny i'm attracted to you.
and i'm like a clam.. in front of someone like you i get all shy and become someone completely different. sort of at least. i think this is really not the way to go, especially not in this context.
let's snap out of this now and do what i'm supposed to do.. well.

cheers.

right. suddenly strangely excited.

been nua-ing the whole day, but a brand new start's gonna happen tmr! or rather.. in 8.5 hours.

wish me luck!

last day of november 2011, which also marks me having left korea for a month already.

i still miss the place, the people, the feeling i experienced there.
i'll be back, definitely.

so technically, lots has happened within a month. applied for and secured a job; i'll be starting in decemeber. i'm carrying a mixture of anticipation, excitment, fear, and perhaps even dread...? i'm a lazy person by nature, i do not like to be restricted and confined to schedules, but i've long learnt that routines will bring some sort of order in life, and perhaps, this will be better for the greater good.

regardless, the point of the entry is that...time flies. i can mope, wallow in my memories of korea... but the world goes on. people are struggling to survive and i should be counting my blessings.

so with some sort of renewed vigour, i shall face this new experience head on.

-----

been trying to make the most of my remaining days left before i start work; caught you're the apple of my eye again. i dont watch movies often so it says alot when i actually bother to watch one twice.
i'm not sure why i'm so drawn to it.. the plot, the actors, the feelings it evokes perhaps ---
we've all got things we've got to give up on, but we learn, we grow, and we hope for the best...
我想成为很厉害的人, 让着世界因为有了我有一点点的改变

cheers.

i feel, i miss, i react, i make mistakes, i realise, i learn, i experience, i live...

人生短短几十年；就是要活得精彩

had such high hopes for One Day,
but it left me more distracted n depressed than ever.

"whatever happens tomorrow, we have today."

sheesh.

Oct 2008 - blissfully unaware.. not sure what I was doing but pottering about as usual

Oct 2009 - i probably aged 10 years then.. can't say it was the worst time of my life but it definitely wasn't the best. nonetheless, it was an experience I learnt from..

Oct 2010 - Fourth year in school and focus had to placed on that. Fate brought JVG into my life as well.. for awhile.. at least.

Oct 2011 - My 'me month'.. winding down after 3 months of internship. Still finding myself in life, applying for jobs, korea trip... met people whom i'm unlikely to ever forget. I strongly believe that they were brought into my life for a reason...

I wonder what next October will bring..

i'm.. missing korea.

been about 5 days since i've been back.. how time flies. time flew when i was in Korea; back in Singapore it further reminds me life has to move on now.

the trip has given me new perspective, and in some ways made me want to be a better person.
I see people like A who works hard for his living, given the long hours and heavy commitment - yet he does is well - it could be the culture or just the way he is, or it could be his fight, his spirit.
anyhow, thank you A. quoting you; 希望你能天天能吃到牛肉, 回去你幸福美满的家. 最重要的, 希望你和家人身体健康.

B.. i don't know. I couldn't talk to you then and I'm unable to talk to you now. you're not even in Singapore anymore.. yet.
我明明知道我们是不同世界的人, 但不知为何很想踏进你的世界.
也许这就会永远是个梦想吧.. 自己当出不保握机会, 现在太迟了.
无论如何, 祝福你. 希望你凡事顺顺利利, 身体健康, 快快乐乐的.

happenstance - it can only happen without planning, without expectations: and it all happened in korea.
great trip nonetheless, great scenary, cool weather, although i got sick of the food halfway.. haha. great people....

and i'll be missing you.

一个人的安宁

but above all,

i wish you love.

hindsight is always 20/20 -

and in retrospect; always, enjoy the moment. don't miss it only when its gone

looking back at the last post can only make me realise what a fool i've been.
let's let things take its natural course, no?
no point thinking/fretting unduly.

woohooooooooo.

time flies and am now counting down to the end of my internship. am currently at x - 16 days!

suffice to say i've definitely learnt quite a bit during my time at PT.. but helll no i'm not staying.
as to whether i'll still work together with D in future.. we'll see i suppose. there's no definite answer to most questions, no?

i think i'm not sure of what i want at this point of time, but i do know what i DONT want. will that do?

D even said its a sort of fate.. i know he may just be manipulating me in the sense that he knows the sort of person I am. but still. there's some truth in what he's said.

---
meeting today at TV's office.. suddenly the sense of deja vu overwhelmed.

further reinforces my belief.. whatever will be will be :)

God has his plan, no?

public holidays upsets my schedule but thankfully it also gives me some time to rest :\

so yes.. finally slept in a little today but at the back of my head there's still this nagging thought that there's lots of work to be done.

work has been pretty good so far.. stressful yes, but well.. it aint work if you aint stressed no?
i am enjoying what i do to a certain extent.. and learning from D and all. event that we have all been slogging for in two days time so hopefully all will go well.

As JL once said - no point fretting over what will be. and here in the case of work.. i'm just enjoying it while i'm in it.

i think i'm at a place now where i'm quite comfortable.. but still not totally at ease. we'll see.

anyway.. wanted to write about the session with A.
always enjoyed the times w him and we do have lots to talk about. so let's not just peg it down to horoscopes and everything.. but i sorta see myself in him.
may everything always run smooth in your life, A. cheers

"Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need."

- Khalil Gibran

天时地利人和
has been a belief of mine for a while now.

so regardless of what may happen in future.. it is the present that counts now.
living to be the best i can be.. cheers.

july 2011 is quite the indication that half a year has flown by. well.. i guess i can say at least i've managed to complete my university education within that period of time.

started my internship today. can't really figure out what i make of it so far and its only the first day anyway.. but really - we've got so much to learn.
---
prior to starting the internship i was contemplating on moving on from DW. it has been a good one year odd and it's a stable, cushy job.. but i've been kinda doing the same things for quite awhile now and i'm not sure if there's any more growth.

however a part of me still feels inclined to stay, and F is great and what she said the other day really touched me. much as emotions should not play a crucial part in work relationships.. it has been good working and learning from F.
i'm not likely to forget this and will try to help out as long as i can.. thank you, F. thank you very much.

---
play yesterday night and i saw you. i shouldn't have been surprised really, but still...... mmmmmmmm.

no, i cannot.
---

disjointed, yes. shouldn't make sense to anyone but me.

cheers to the second half of 2011 :)

FEAR

"False Evidence Appearing Real"

or

"Face Everything And Recover"

it's your pick ;)

this... really shouldn't change anything.

then why does it feel so weird?

and so.. i'm done with the thesis.

relieved definitely, but can't say i feel extremely liberated or the likes. i wonder why?
this also marks the end of my paperchase (for now), but who knows when and where it will resume.. :}

so given the spare time on hand have had certain moments to myself and to ruminate on what's gonna happen now or next - J is right. the fear of not knowing is probably worse than the fear of anything at all.

i feel the pressure setting in but i choose to remain optimistic.. heh.

so here's to the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next. cheers

13 days to thesis submission.. let the countdown begin...... :|

that said, am looking forward to the days after that.

here's a list of food places i definitely must visit once i'm done with the thesis:

-vegan burg
-He Jia Huan Ban Mian (changi airport)
-platypus test kitchen
-Arbite (haha)
-pasta inc (if it's even still open..)
-Muey Li Hng Tze char!!
-Oriole
-The Caffe bar
-ma masion!
-40hands
will add on as and when if i actually do remember the places... :)

wanted to write this yesterday but fell asleep...

anyway.. this is for you, JVG.
i concur that certain others do appeal to me in some way or other, but somehow.. my thoughts always go back to you.

so.. wherever you are. here's to you kid. cheers.

Wash what is dirty

Water what is dry

Heal what is wounded

Warm what is cold

Guide what goes off the road

Love people who are least lovable, because they need it most

-Author unknown

something to always live by.

If I am lost for a day; try to find me.

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me.

All of the things that I thought were so easy,

Just got harder and harder each day.

oh good lord.

i have about exactly 25 days to thesis submission; 20 if i want to get it printed early and submit on time.
i say... BRING IT ON.


"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philipians 4:13

felt the need to write because i chanced upon an old acquaintance's photos yesterday.. in fact i'm not even totally sure if it is her. but somehow i just can't get her out of my head.

so.. this is for you E. i don't think you'll ever see this.. but who knows really.
thank you for being there during the days when i needed you to be. you may not even be aware of it, but you taught me much (about life, if not the sport).

"play your best and no regrets" -ELZK

but of course... cheers.

no doubt about it - i prefer animals to human beings.

and i knew exactly what i was picking up when i borrowed Dewey from the library. to many, it probably is just another book about animals (specifically, the cat), but it provided me the enlightenment i never even knew i was seeking, till now.

"...

That's life. We all go through the tractor blades every now and then. We all get bruised, and we all get cut. Sometimes the blades cut deep. The lucky ones come through with a few scratches, a little blood, but even that isn't the most important thing. The most important thing is having someone there to scoop you up, to hold you tight, and to tell you everything is all right.

For years, I thought I had done that for Dewey. I thought that was my story to tell. And that I had done that. When Dewey was hurt, cold, and crying, I was there. I held him. I made sure everything was all right.

But that's only a sliver of the truth. The real truth is that for all those years, on the hard days, the good days, and all the unremembered days that make up the pages of the real book of our lives, Dewey was holding me.

He's still holding me now.

..."

for the love of my life, teo dafei. 

i have this inordinate need to document the dream i had yesterday/this morning because it was so... incredible.

without going into specifics, let me just say that it was a condensation of many many factors that alarmed me very much. death would be one of them.. even the people who appeared.. and the one last bit about S and i.

in essence, it is well and truly a dream because nothing like that can ever happen in reality, but then... why and how did it all come together?

if i were to utilize psychoanalysis by Freud.. i would say that i am pretty fucked indeed. or that there is some deep subconscious underlying cause that is not known even to me as of now....

seriously. the stuff dreams are made of.

so i've just received a very timely wake-up call that my thesis is due in a little less than two months.

which translates into roughly 60 days.. and counting.

honestly i can't even remember what i've been doing for the past month or so, or if i was even doing anything at all.
so yes, the timer starts now... feels like a time bomb really.

on a separate note, certain beliefs of mine have gotten stronger.
one would be doing what you hafta do regardless of situation.. and also, 天时地利人和.

but now's not the time for emotions.. at all.

i think i gain the inspiration to write at the strangest of times.

so yes, sorry for the lapse but i needed some time to myself (literally, physically, and even virtually).

was struggling was certain issues - image, weight, perspective - in fact i still am; although i would like to think it is better now.. but is it really?

what are the important things in life?
are those that are important to me, the same for you?
questions that needs no answers, really.

session today with CK... i really do like CK.
can't place how or why but he puts me at ease. probably his frankness, matter of factness and muted strength.. on top of his real-ness. can't quite put my finger on it but you automatically know if a person is real or not. no such thing as (being) real because either you are or you aren't.

i realize my posts are becoming repititve, but yes... thank you CK. you may never even know it. but you impart knowledge just through your experience.

and i always walk away from a session feeling much much better.

what is important, is merely a matter of perspective.

retardation is at its best when i was with B earlier; he was telling me how he was looking for resources for a friend of his who was feeling down after an abortion she had - and i went:
"then what happened to the baby after that?"
i don't think i'll forget that expression B had for awhile.. haha.

B, is probably the strongest person i've ever met in my life (so far).
maybe i shouldn't use such strong and definitive words since i don't even know him all that well, but.. i've never met anyone like him.
i feel stronger just in his presence really.. and (cliche but) i've learnt that there is strength in letting go, and wealth and luxury need not be synonymous.

not B's words but i think it pretty much summarized today - "no matter how you feel today, get up, dress up, and show up."
---

was also kinda stuck in a rut the past week or so. the one thing i wanted to do was sleep. shirked all responsibilities as much as i could but only felt worse and worst.

dinner with BC made me feel that bit better and perhaps kicked me out of my haze a lil. was an impromptu thing but it did cheer me up and i do appreciate his offer of buying the meal.
little things.. but you don't know how much they mean to me.
---

oh yes. and GG has left for melbourne. i don't think i'm feeling the effect of her departure, yet..
---

i've got so much to learn..

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond.

'What's your name?' asked the chicken. 'Bond, James Bond. What's yours?'

'Ken, Chick Ken.'

things like this that amuses me. hahahhahaha :x

i thought i was seeking solace,
but solitude no longer brings me any comfort.

at the same time i have been avoiding social gatherings of any kind, even with the closest people.
i do not know why exactly i'm doing this.. just that i'm acting on instinct.

something, however, that i really like. of which i think we should all live by -

"...

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

...

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep, in the empty moments."

don't do one a favour if you're just expecting the person to be eternally grateful to you.
or step on someone when he is already down.
i dont suppose you've ever heard of ethics. oh sorry. i forgot it was you i was talking about.

and stop pointing the finger at other people, especially when you're no saint.

have lost the last bit of respect for you.

days like this;

when i've achieved most of what i've set out to do yet still feel like more needs to be done,
when i would honestly rather be alone, but there's this unmistakable loneliness.
where i question what's the point, or if there is even one at all.
where not knowing could work for, or, against you.

days like this.

A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.

some time back, A brought up the topic of death. what was previously a pretty light-hearted conversation immediately grew more sombre. can't remember if i expressed my condolences, but i do know if i asked he was better now. he said he was.

perhaps, death need not always be associated with sadness or grief.

A shared that his father had a stroke when he was 57, and only passed on when he was 70.
then, A, as the eldest son of the family, signed the form necessary to perform the operation in hopes of saving his father's life, although risk was high and likelihood of recovery was small.

his father survived (obviously), but was bedridden eversince. A and his family then spent the next 13 years caring for his father.

of which i realized - death may be a physical loss. but innately we all know the exact point of time that particular someone or something starts to leave.

and that was why A said that he's doing better now. because he started grieving since 13 years ago. and that is a hell of a long time for anyone to grieve, let alone bear the responsibility of someone else's life.

-
likewise, you may still  be here. but you're as good as gone.
i don't think i know you anymore.

session yesterday (or just now) with JL has sorta.. enlightened me.
i think this could be the reason why i generally prefer the company of older people.
although older = wiser might not necessarily always hold true; comparatively, they already have the advantage of experience.

so yes, time for me to stop asking existentialist questions.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
-Douglas Adams

today, i learnt how easy it is to give up some one else's comfort for your own, no matter how unwilling you may be to do so.
herd mentality, plain selfishness, or just.. being human?
your guess is as good as mine.

-
anyway. finally tried Wild HOney today after all the hype about it.
three words: not worth it.

maybe because i've worked in a number of f&b places and seen the workings of it all, i'll just say that wild honey edges too dangerously around repetition. singaporeans, however, are seemingly lapping the 'breakfast-all-day' idea up. to give them some credit, they use good ingredients. but only good ingredients on its own wont make the cut....

BB had the English, which essentially is the typical western breakfast. scrambled eggs, grilled mushrooms and tomato, bacon, sausage, toast..
M had the Tunisian. fancy name but actually just a herby tomato stew topped with two eggs and some chorizo sausages thrown in.
I had the Mexican, a burrito wrapped with scrambled eggs, potatos and some grilled vegetables. with guacamole and sour cream to make it quintessentially mexican.

factor in the 1hr+ waiting time and the cost of almost a hundred dollars for three people.. i'll say once is enough, thankew very much.

why am i writing about something as mundane as this?
i duuno lei.
maybe its an expectations vs reality thing.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong; because someday in your life you will have been all of these." - George Washington Carver

while i can't say i've adhered to all of the above, i guess.. i probably should.

which also brings to mind the conversation with a cabby on monday. i do think taxi drivers are a enlightened lot; driving skills aside. they get to go around singapore and have probably seen a hell lot more - literally and figuratively - than any one of us. which is also why there's the old adage that when you want good food - ask a taxi driver.....

i digress.
anyway, the conversation started with weather (how typical).. i think i complained i was feeling unwell :S
which led to global warming, fault, dinosaurs dying out, and the end of the world.

pretty normal conversation by today's standards.. but what struck me was his cynicism.
he repeatedly emphasized against marriage, in case your partner's bad traits, genetic or otherwise, are inherited by your kid, thus ruining the kid's life.

too much of reality nowadays, i think we all need a good dose of hope.

and we're now into day 2 of 365, year 2011 :)

without much elaboration, let's just say 2010 has been a revelational year.
when it was good, it was pretty fantastic.
when it was bad, it was.. harsh. not something i'll ever be proud of but still better than 2009. although in all honesty said situations are totally different matters altogether hence not a fully accurate comparision. still.

the first afternoon of 2011 was spent with A.
this is probably the second time i've met him, but today i've learnt more about him than i ever would, say, any other person of whom i may even see on a daily basis.

thank you, A.
for your honesty, humility, generosity, frankness, and ernest-ness, amongst many others.

moral of the story today: don't wait.

above all, we learn.
we learn from each and every person we encounter, regardless of how fleeting the meeting may be.

so here's to another new year.. may it be a great one. cheers. x