some time back, A brought up the topic of death. what was previously a pretty light-hearted conversation immediately grew more sombre. can't remember if i expressed my condolences, but i do know if i asked he was better now. he said he was.

perhaps, death need not always be associated with sadness or grief.

A shared that his father had a stroke when he was 57, and only passed on when he was 70.
then, A, as the eldest son of the family, signed the form necessary to perform the operation in hopes of saving his father's life, although risk was high and likelihood of recovery was small.

his father survived (obviously), but was bedridden eversince. A and his family then spent the next 13 years caring for his father.

of which i realized - death may be a physical loss. but innately we all know the exact point of time that particular someone or something starts to leave.

and that was why A said that he's doing better now. because he started grieving since 13 years ago. and that is a hell of a long time for anyone to grieve, let alone bear the responsibility of someone else's life.

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likewise, you may still  be here. but you're as good as gone.
i don't think i know you anymore.